Can't Help but wonder...

One year ago today, a tiny baby girl was found outside of the hospital of Chenzhou City in Hunan China. No note, and no one around. What was it like for that man who picked her up and carried her in to the hospital? Was it just part of life for him, did he give that little girl a second thought. We will never know. What was it like for the person who brought her to this finding place. Was it her mother? Did she hide in the shadows and watch to make sure that someone took her in. Did her arms ache and did her heart break as she walked away? What was it like for those 8 days she kept her. And why did she wait 8 days? Did she pray and hope that there would be another way? Did she try to hide her for that time? Did she nurse her and kiss on that sweet face? Did she try to memorize every tiny detail to imprint it on her heart. So many things, we will never, ever know.
It is hard. Questions upon questions, we want answers for. A little over a week ago I sat in a waiting room with my family waiting for our new cousin to be born. Minutes after her birth we were able to go into the delivery room and hold this tiny newborn girl. We were all so excited, and it was such a celebration of her birth. I could not help but wonder, what was it like for Sage's birth? My guess is that she was born at home. Was there anyone there at all? What was it like for her mother to give birth to a daughter, she knew she was going to have to let go? What was it like to hold that baby in her arms, knowing every day she was going away forever. My heart breaks for her. I know we don't really know what it was like. But I still respect her. She made a choice to have this child, to carry her to term and to give her up. So many other options she could have taken, but she gave her life. We will forever be thankful to her.
I do know this. Depsite the pain of her loss, or my loss over the time I missed, God had a plan. When Sage was born, He celebrated and lovingly held her in His arms for me. When her birthmother walked away, He held her and whispered in her ear, it is going to be ok. When I cry over all those days I missed, He reminds me of what I have yet to see with Sage.
I tried to come up w/ someway to honor Sage's birthmother every year at this time. I bought 1 white rose and every year I will buy the number of roses for how old she is. We pray for her daily that she would come to know Christ and that someday, probably not on this earth, we will be able to look at her and say Thank You.

Thanksgiving Blessings

With Thanks...

Birthday Reflections

Make sure to scroll down and check out the slide show. I am not sure how to make it start from the beginning, but I almost had it timed to go along w/ the song, so turn up your volume.

Today Sage ChenYi Mae Laxton is 1. ONE! How is that possible? It is going to fast, I want to go back and just hold on to these 3 months a little longer and a little tighter. I did not get enough of her first year. What was it like just one year ago when she was born? It has been hard on me. I know that the 9 months Sage was not with me, was all part of God's plan. But my heart still hurts for all that I have missed. So many thoughts of Sage's birthmother this week, which I will save for another day to share. It is hard enough to watch your baby turn one. So I am trying not to dwell on all the questions and just lift her up in Celebration. She is one! We have held her for 3 months now! Thank you GOD for allowing us to hold her for those 3 months. Exactly one year & 9 months ago we began the process called adoption. Exactly one year and 9 months ago Sage was most likely conceived. One year ago, my heart was crying and my prayers were full for a baby we had no idea was being born into the world. 3 months ago, we walked into a room, and were handed this beautiful angel child. She was so tiny, her dark eyes just stared at us, taking us in. Today, she is a different baby than the one we met in China. She has changed so much, and every day we know we are blessed to have her as ours. Some Sage Stuff for one year...

--She weighs 19 pounds now. She is chunky and has rolls!(14 pounds at gotcha)

--She has 5 teeth, 3 top/2 bottom (2 bottom at gotcha)

--Standing, still not taking steps though, continues to cruise

--Crawling "normal" now. And she is FAST!

--Says Mama, Dada, Dog, Bye, Waves Hi and Bye!

--Plays really well on own, is SO curious and loves to explore

--Eats whatever you give her. Still on babyfood and formula.

--Her skin is so soft and clear now, was not in china!

--Has her 2nd ear infection, just went to the dr today.

--Continues to sleep great. In our room. Is attached to pacifier. oops!

--Loves to make us laugh!

--Is impossible to change. She does not like to be still, way to much to explore.

--LOVES bathtime. Goes crazy in the tub, and crys when we take her out. Dunks her face in the water, and just laughs!

--Is very attached to her bear. I will have to post about Bear sometime, to cute!

Every day with her is just a gift. It is so amazing to watch her learn new things each day. In China, she could not sit, she could not really hold onto toys. To watch her learn and change so much, I just sit in awe. She looks so much older to me, her hair is already longer. And even longer continues to stand straight up! I will miss that so much when it stops doing that! I think back a year ago and where I was. So impatient, and trying to "bargain" my way to China. Please Lord, if we can just go NOW... I am so thankful that we have such a loving Father who loves us in spite of us! He knew Sage was ours, and He loved me through the 9 months it took to reveal her to us. Sage is our daughter. No other baby in China could have been ours, I have no doubt about that. So today I celebrate her birth and the 3 months I have held her. She is mine & I Thank God for her. Our gift.

Happy Birthday Sage!

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First Birthday Party

Hard to believe that we are having a party for Sage's first birthday today! Wasn't it just yesterday we were in China and she was only 9 months old? How life has changed in just 3 months. I will post more on Monday(her offical birthday), so many emotional thoughts this week as we celebrate. But we did have a great day! We had chinese food for lunch with a ladybug theme, of course! Our local buffet is so excited about Sage, they sent us tons of food, we might be eating chinese for thanksgiving this week. Sage enjoyed all the attention and loved her cake as you can see! Not sure how much she actually ate, but it sure was fun to play in.

We have a New Cousin!

We had an exciting day! TJ is my cousin above holding his daughter Jaylyn, coming out to share the news that he has a new baby girl! Adley Brielle weighed in at 9 pounds 7 oz! As you can see in the picture of the nurse holding her up, she is a big girl! Beautiful sweet baby. Wide eyed and looking like her big sister already! Amy, the new mommy, was due tomorrow. She was scheduled to be induced on Monday, which I thought was cool, since that is Sage's birthday. But Adley was ready and so was Amy! We are sad that they will miss Sage's first birthday party, which is tomorrow, but we are SO happy that the baby is here! As soon as I get some cleaned up pictures of Adley, I will post. And of course will add pictures of Sage's birthday party soon!

Sage's First Professional Photo

Isn't she beautiful! I can't quite figure out how to flip the rest of the pictures from our session and post them, so until Mark can help me, you just get to see Sage!

Beware of the MerMer

In China we tried to get Sage to take a pacifier with no luck. We thought it might be nice for the plane. Recently Malaine found one and as you may or may not know, Malaine LOVED her "mer mers" ( no idea where the name came from, she came up w/ that) She began to push it on Sage often. So now, Sage really likes it as you can see. She is way to old to be starting with it, I know. And so far, she seems ok to be with or with out it. We will see.
Had family pictures done today. Went much better than we anticipated it would. They took over 100 shots and only a handful were actually decent. You know how that goes, getting 6 to actually cooperate. Will try to scan them in at some point. They took some really beautiful shots of Sage on her own that I loved. The best part is, Christmas cards are done! Finally, ahead of the game on something this year.

Worth It All

Did you hear the new song? just turn up your volume. A friend, also adopting, shared this song w/ me while we waited. And though I had heard it, it put it into a whole new perspective to really listen to the words. Hope you enjoy. And yes, Sage was worth it all!

O Child you’ve never known
How I really feel
Cause you’ve never been shown
O child, you’ve never known
That my love is real
Cause you’ve never been shown
I’m about to show you for myself
So listen baby,
You don’t need nobody else – cause

chorus:
You are mine, you are loved
You have always been thought of
When you hurt I feel it every time
You are mine, you are loved
And I’m never giving up
Till I’ve dried all the tears you cry
Long before you took a breath
I took your pain upon my chest
I knew your name, I heard you call
It was worth it all
It was worth it all
You are worth it all

O child, it wasn’t fair
How they walked away
Left you standing there
My child, I saw your tears
Was with you everyday
Through the lonely years
I’m about to bring back what they lost
So listen baby
Forget about the cost – cause

No matter where you go, I’ll come and find you
You are precious to me…My everything
No matter what they’ve done I will restore you
You’re a masterpiece to me…Only I can see
That underneath the hurt and the pain
Is a picture of me

O child, where did you go
Please don’t walk away
I love you so
So here I come to say

Happy Halloween!

Our 3 ladybugs and Sawyer was a spider, remember he insisted on being whatever ATE ladybugs! The last picture is with Princess Jaylyn, our cousin. Despite the freezing cold, we still managed to get LOTS of candy!