Can't Help but wonder...

One year ago today, a tiny baby girl was found outside of the hospital of Chenzhou City in Hunan China. No note, and no one around. What was it like for that man who picked her up and carried her in to the hospital? Was it just part of life for him, did he give that little girl a second thought. We will never know. What was it like for the person who brought her to this finding place. Was it her mother? Did she hide in the shadows and watch to make sure that someone took her in. Did her arms ache and did her heart break as she walked away? What was it like for those 8 days she kept her. And why did she wait 8 days? Did she pray and hope that there would be another way? Did she try to hide her for that time? Did she nurse her and kiss on that sweet face? Did she try to memorize every tiny detail to imprint it on her heart. So many things, we will never, ever know.
It is hard. Questions upon questions, we want answers for. A little over a week ago I sat in a waiting room with my family waiting for our new cousin to be born. Minutes after her birth we were able to go into the delivery room and hold this tiny newborn girl. We were all so excited, and it was such a celebration of her birth. I could not help but wonder, what was it like for Sage's birth? My guess is that she was born at home. Was there anyone there at all? What was it like for her mother to give birth to a daughter, she knew she was going to have to let go? What was it like to hold that baby in her arms, knowing every day she was going away forever. My heart breaks for her. I know we don't really know what it was like. But I still respect her. She made a choice to have this child, to carry her to term and to give her up. So many other options she could have taken, but she gave her life. We will forever be thankful to her.
I do know this. Depsite the pain of her loss, or my loss over the time I missed, God had a plan. When Sage was born, He celebrated and lovingly held her in His arms for me. When her birthmother walked away, He held her and whispered in her ear, it is going to be ok. When I cry over all those days I missed, He reminds me of what I have yet to see with Sage.
I tried to come up w/ someway to honor Sage's birthmother every year at this time. I bought 1 white rose and every year I will buy the number of roses for how old she is. We pray for her daily that she would come to know Christ and that someday, probably not on this earth, we will be able to look at her and say Thank You.