Can't Help but wonder...

One year ago today, a tiny baby girl was found outside of the hospital of Chenzhou City in Hunan China. No note, and no one around. What was it like for that man who picked her up and carried her in to the hospital? Was it just part of life for him, did he give that little girl a second thought. We will never know. What was it like for the person who brought her to this finding place. Was it her mother? Did she hide in the shadows and watch to make sure that someone took her in. Did her arms ache and did her heart break as she walked away? What was it like for those 8 days she kept her. And why did she wait 8 days? Did she pray and hope that there would be another way? Did she try to hide her for that time? Did she nurse her and kiss on that sweet face? Did she try to memorize every tiny detail to imprint it on her heart. So many things, we will never, ever know.
It is hard. Questions upon questions, we want answers for. A little over a week ago I sat in a waiting room with my family waiting for our new cousin to be born. Minutes after her birth we were able to go into the delivery room and hold this tiny newborn girl. We were all so excited, and it was such a celebration of her birth. I could not help but wonder, what was it like for Sage's birth? My guess is that she was born at home. Was there anyone there at all? What was it like for her mother to give birth to a daughter, she knew she was going to have to let go? What was it like to hold that baby in her arms, knowing every day she was going away forever. My heart breaks for her. I know we don't really know what it was like. But I still respect her. She made a choice to have this child, to carry her to term and to give her up. So many other options she could have taken, but she gave her life. We will forever be thankful to her.
I do know this. Depsite the pain of her loss, or my loss over the time I missed, God had a plan. When Sage was born, He celebrated and lovingly held her in His arms for me. When her birthmother walked away, He held her and whispered in her ear, it is going to be ok. When I cry over all those days I missed, He reminds me of what I have yet to see with Sage.
I tried to come up w/ someway to honor Sage's birthmother every year at this time. I bought 1 white rose and every year I will buy the number of roses for how old she is. We pray for her daily that she would come to know Christ and that someday, probably not on this earth, we will be able to look at her and say Thank You.

Thanksgiving Blessings

With Thanks...

Birthday Reflections

Make sure to scroll down and check out the slide show. I am not sure how to make it start from the beginning, but I almost had it timed to go along w/ the song, so turn up your volume.

Today Sage ChenYi Mae Laxton is 1. ONE! How is that possible? It is going to fast, I want to go back and just hold on to these 3 months a little longer and a little tighter. I did not get enough of her first year. What was it like just one year ago when she was born? It has been hard on me. I know that the 9 months Sage was not with me, was all part of God's plan. But my heart still hurts for all that I have missed. So many thoughts of Sage's birthmother this week, which I will save for another day to share. It is hard enough to watch your baby turn one. So I am trying not to dwell on all the questions and just lift her up in Celebration. She is one! We have held her for 3 months now! Thank you GOD for allowing us to hold her for those 3 months. Exactly one year & 9 months ago we began the process called adoption. Exactly one year and 9 months ago Sage was most likely conceived. One year ago, my heart was crying and my prayers were full for a baby we had no idea was being born into the world. 3 months ago, we walked into a room, and were handed this beautiful angel child. She was so tiny, her dark eyes just stared at us, taking us in. Today, she is a different baby than the one we met in China. She has changed so much, and every day we know we are blessed to have her as ours. Some Sage Stuff for one year...

--She weighs 19 pounds now. She is chunky and has rolls!(14 pounds at gotcha)

--She has 5 teeth, 3 top/2 bottom (2 bottom at gotcha)

--Standing, still not taking steps though, continues to cruise

--Crawling "normal" now. And she is FAST!

--Says Mama, Dada, Dog, Bye, Waves Hi and Bye!

--Plays really well on own, is SO curious and loves to explore

--Eats whatever you give her. Still on babyfood and formula.

--Her skin is so soft and clear now, was not in china!

--Has her 2nd ear infection, just went to the dr today.

--Continues to sleep great. In our room. Is attached to pacifier. oops!

--Loves to make us laugh!

--Is impossible to change. She does not like to be still, way to much to explore.

--LOVES bathtime. Goes crazy in the tub, and crys when we take her out. Dunks her face in the water, and just laughs!

--Is very attached to her bear. I will have to post about Bear sometime, to cute!

Every day with her is just a gift. It is so amazing to watch her learn new things each day. In China, she could not sit, she could not really hold onto toys. To watch her learn and change so much, I just sit in awe. She looks so much older to me, her hair is already longer. And even longer continues to stand straight up! I will miss that so much when it stops doing that! I think back a year ago and where I was. So impatient, and trying to "bargain" my way to China. Please Lord, if we can just go NOW... I am so thankful that we have such a loving Father who loves us in spite of us! He knew Sage was ours, and He loved me through the 9 months it took to reveal her to us. Sage is our daughter. No other baby in China could have been ours, I have no doubt about that. So today I celebrate her birth and the 3 months I have held her. She is mine & I Thank God for her. Our gift.

Happy Birthday Sage!

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First Birthday Party

Hard to believe that we are having a party for Sage's first birthday today! Wasn't it just yesterday we were in China and she was only 9 months old? How life has changed in just 3 months. I will post more on Monday(her offical birthday), so many emotional thoughts this week as we celebrate. But we did have a great day! We had chinese food for lunch with a ladybug theme, of course! Our local buffet is so excited about Sage, they sent us tons of food, we might be eating chinese for thanksgiving this week. Sage enjoyed all the attention and loved her cake as you can see! Not sure how much she actually ate, but it sure was fun to play in.

We have a New Cousin!

We had an exciting day! TJ is my cousin above holding his daughter Jaylyn, coming out to share the news that he has a new baby girl! Adley Brielle weighed in at 9 pounds 7 oz! As you can see in the picture of the nurse holding her up, she is a big girl! Beautiful sweet baby. Wide eyed and looking like her big sister already! Amy, the new mommy, was due tomorrow. She was scheduled to be induced on Monday, which I thought was cool, since that is Sage's birthday. But Adley was ready and so was Amy! We are sad that they will miss Sage's first birthday party, which is tomorrow, but we are SO happy that the baby is here! As soon as I get some cleaned up pictures of Adley, I will post. And of course will add pictures of Sage's birthday party soon!

Sage's First Professional Photo

Isn't she beautiful! I can't quite figure out how to flip the rest of the pictures from our session and post them, so until Mark can help me, you just get to see Sage!

Beware of the MerMer

In China we tried to get Sage to take a pacifier with no luck. We thought it might be nice for the plane. Recently Malaine found one and as you may or may not know, Malaine LOVED her "mer mers" ( no idea where the name came from, she came up w/ that) She began to push it on Sage often. So now, Sage really likes it as you can see. She is way to old to be starting with it, I know. And so far, she seems ok to be with or with out it. We will see.
Had family pictures done today. Went much better than we anticipated it would. They took over 100 shots and only a handful were actually decent. You know how that goes, getting 6 to actually cooperate. Will try to scan them in at some point. They took some really beautiful shots of Sage on her own that I loved. The best part is, Christmas cards are done! Finally, ahead of the game on something this year.

Worth It All

Did you hear the new song? just turn up your volume. A friend, also adopting, shared this song w/ me while we waited. And though I had heard it, it put it into a whole new perspective to really listen to the words. Hope you enjoy. And yes, Sage was worth it all!

O Child you’ve never known
How I really feel
Cause you’ve never been shown
O child, you’ve never known
That my love is real
Cause you’ve never been shown
I’m about to show you for myself
So listen baby,
You don’t need nobody else – cause

chorus:
You are mine, you are loved
You have always been thought of
When you hurt I feel it every time
You are mine, you are loved
And I’m never giving up
Till I’ve dried all the tears you cry
Long before you took a breath
I took your pain upon my chest
I knew your name, I heard you call
It was worth it all
It was worth it all
You are worth it all

O child, it wasn’t fair
How they walked away
Left you standing there
My child, I saw your tears
Was with you everyday
Through the lonely years
I’m about to bring back what they lost
So listen baby
Forget about the cost – cause

No matter where you go, I’ll come and find you
You are precious to me…My everything
No matter what they’ve done I will restore you
You’re a masterpiece to me…Only I can see
That underneath the hurt and the pain
Is a picture of me

O child, where did you go
Please don’t walk away
I love you so
So here I come to say

Happy Halloween!

Our 3 ladybugs and Sawyer was a spider, remember he insisted on being whatever ATE ladybugs! The last picture is with Princess Jaylyn, our cousin. Despite the freezing cold, we still managed to get LOTS of candy!

Are We Done Yet?

Sunday Cuteness! And yes, the hat was a battle all day!
Cute outfit from our friend Sarah, isn't that adorable! I love that!
4 Smiling at One Time?! It must be a miracle!

So, are we done? It's the million dollar question, isn't it? The one the Grandma's are afraid to ask, scared of what the answer might be! ;) Is 4 children enough to call our family complete? Are we finally to the point we are so nuts that we would not dream of adding anymore? When we first started the adoption, before we even had a LID, a friend told me, "not many people go to China just one time". And I just kind of laughed, I was so thankful to even be going once, I knew that would be it. Through the horrible wait, I said over and over, I could NEVER do this again. Emotionally could not handle it. In china I thought, Thank you for this child, and maybe someday we will be back for a heritage tour to visit. We came home, we both said "WE ARE SO DONE!" But then the jet lag started to wear off, life started settling in, and I looked at Sage and I started thinking, what if we had said no to this child? Where would she be, and what would my life be like? Then I started having dreams, that we were going back. We were on the plane traveling w/ various families who we had talked into adopting w/ us! And I just started having this huge burden for those children who are left behind there. Who is going to be their mommy? In all honesty? I know lots of people. Lots. But I can count on one hand the people I know personally who have adopted. Sure, I have met tons through the adoption that I now call friends, but I am talking the ones we know outside of that circle. I realize not everyone is called to adopt, but there are a million orphans out there. Who is going to go for them? Are we supposed to? Obviously I know we can't go back for a million. But who I am to say that I don't have room for just one more? NOT that I am ready to sign up just yet! And I am NOT saying that we ever would for sure. I am just saying that I have no idea what God has in store for my family. I will say, I am open to God's will. I refuse to limit him on what anyone thinks is the ideal size of a family. Besides, I am pretty sure I passed up ideal after 2.4 kids right? My mom claims I grew up saying I was having 6 children. I really thought 4 was ideal. We are even. It is manageable. (well besides the laundrey, oh i hate laundrey!) We can still fit a set of grandparents in the van w/ us! Yet, part of me would love to give Sawyer a brother, I would love for Sage to have a chinese sibling. I would love to go back to China. And what does Mark say? "are you nuts?" hehehe! He says right now he has no desire, however, we both agree. China gets in your heart, it is under our skin. And I am pretty sure Mark learned his lesson when we started this adoption. It is out of our hands. If God calls us, then we listen. So.. there you go. Who knows what our future holds. All I know right now is that yes, we have our hands full, and I love it!

Happy Sage!

Weekend Fun

We had lots of fun this weekend at the corn maze. The kids loved making their way through the maze, trying to find their way out. They were very interested in the "haunted maze" which takes place at night. Don't think they are quite ready for that one yet. Next entry Sage pictures.

Sage is 11 months!

And sadly, these are the only 2 pictures I have taken this week! I am the worst picture taker that is for sure! It is not that I don't take pictures, it is that they all turn out blurry. So.. I already gave Mark a hard time, he needs to take the pictures, or buy a point and shoot camera for me! Ok, ok, Sage! Sage ChenYi Mae is 11 months AND we have held her for 2 months now! Can you believe it? And wow, what a difference 2 months has made..

• She weighed in at the dr this week at 18 POUNDS! I could not believe it!
• She has 4 teeth, 2 top, 2 bottom.
  
• She sits up now perfect, pushes herself into sitting.
• Pulls herself to standing, as you can see, she CONSTANTLY wants to be standing!
• She can cruise the furniture now. She has no fear. Great.
• Is still on baby food, though we are starting to let her taste some table food. She gobbles up any type of baby food, at least 3 jars a day. Along w/ oatmeal and of course still loves her bottles.
  
• She can now hold her own bottle.
• Just in the last week she appears to be going through a little bit of stranger anxiety. I thought it was partly due to her not feeling well, she has her first ear infection, but I think it may go deeper than that. Which we know is a good thing. She wants us and that makes us happy.
• Sleeping overall great. We have nights here and there where she wakes up, but really she now sleeps about 8 pm-7am straight through. She still shares our room and will for awhile. I like to be able to look at her.
• Can now pick up cheerios and put them into her mouth. This just started in the last week!
• EVERYTHING goes in her mouth. This almost shag carpet we have, she finds every lost toy in it! And she does not enjoy you fishing things out of her mouth!
  
• Still VERY curious about everything.
  
• Favorite game is still peek a boo, starting to participate in So Big.

Life is full, and very good. Everyone asks, how is it going to 4 kids. And overall, it has not really been that bad. I think the hardest part is that we did not get that gradual newborn baby adjustment. We got a lively active girl who is on the go. I swear, the laundrey is the worst part of the whole thing! I am drowning in laundrey for 6 of us! There are days that are much tougher than others, but I feel like we are all settling in pretty well. I am much more tired, that is for sure! Remember the 18 months we waited, I could not sleep well. Could not sleep in China. Now I could sleep all the time if given the chance! And on that note, I am heading to bed! Tomorrow we are going through a corn maze, maybe Mark will take pictures. Can you believe we are now heading towards Sage's 12th month!

Malaine is Fabulous 4!

I am a little late in posting, Malaine celebrated her 4th birthday last week. It was a fun day with dinner at her favorite place, Denny's! (maybe not her fav any more after she found a spider in her ice cream sundae! YUCK!) Malaine Shaye was born on October 11th, our 3rd and our surprise! Mark had said we were done after Sawyer. We had 2 children, a boy and a girl. THAT was practical, so why would we need more? Hmmm... Thankfully God had other plans, what does Mark know? We needed Malaine and she is such a joy! By far, the easiest and most laid back in our house. Most of the time. She has her moments, but they are few and far between. She is just so sweet and really enjoyable to be around. She enjoyed the role of baby for almost 4 years, but has gladly with out hesitation given it up for her new baby sister. I thought she would be jelous, but overall, has just been wonderful. She started out as our smallest baby weighing in at just barely over 7 pounds. And has continued to stay tiny, as I packed away summer clothes in only 24months. Though she seems to finally be growing! She has not started official preschool yet, but attends one day a week of library school at our public library. (public unless you live 10 feet away from the city limits, but I digress...) She is on break from gymnastics, but will be starting back in that soon. LOVES to play with babies, all about anything babies and her new favorite is "having a baby in her belly, or going to adopt a baby" I am thinking this might come from letting her watch the baby story w/ me, they have to learn somehow right! She is convinced that we are going to get to watch her new cousin be born next month. if not in the hospital, then on tv! Funny thing with this child of ours, she really loves to be good! The older 2 get mad at her because they say she brags. Such as if they are in trouble, she always says, "Am I being good mom" And yep, she usually is! Coming soon, I promise... Pictures from the Family Farm Party, Sawyer is out of the cast but still no running recess for 3 weeks, Sage offically CRUISED down the couch today! And my thoughts on the question, are you done yet? ;) )

Sawyer Says

If you know Sawyer, you know he is just silly. You can't help but laugh at him, he is a goofball! 2 things that were to cute not to share he said recently.
When I asked him what he wanted to be for halloween he asked what his sisters were going to be. They are all 3 being ladybugs, so he said, "Then I am going to be whatever EATS ladybugs!"
Last night I was putting them to bed, and he was saying, "Mommy, I love you to the moon and I would reply w/ something, back and forth we went. He said, what is the worst thing you could do to me? I said, Take away your playstation forever. So he said, "I love you even if you take away my playstation forever". I hugged him and he sat there a minute and said in all seriousness, "well, maybe not that much." The joy of a boy!
Thursday he gets his cast removed. Thank Goodness! I guess they will xray again to make sure it is healed, and we are praying it is because we are ALL tired of his cast! 2 weeks did not sound like long, but it has been.
Tomorrow Malaine turns 4! I will put up pictures of the girls party from this weekend. We had farming fun!

Our Chunky Monkey

When Sage first became ours, she had her 2 bottom teeth. She has been working hard on getting those top teeth in. I forgot how miserable teething is! One finally did break through last week, the other one is so close. I was so sad when we first found out she already had 2 teeth, now I am THANKFUL for 2 less times to teeth! Isn't she looking chunky? She is really filling out. I think her legs are now getting rolls! She has gained at least 3 pounds since Gotcha day. Remember she was not sitting at all at that point, she now sits great. And today I walked in to get her out of her crib, she was sitting up, something she had never done. (putting herself into a sitting position) AND,, I walked over to her and was standing there talking to her, she pulled herself up!! NO, NOT YET!!! I am not ready for that at all! I want to keep her a baby longer. I am wondering if we are going to just skip crawling and walk. Yikes!

Makenna is 9!

October 1, 1997 Pittsburgh, Pa. Makenna Kaylee was born at 5:50PM weighing in at almost 8 pounds. Our first baby, a girl! I wanted this child of mine with a passion I can't even put into words. We had been through loss, we were in a new city alone, and we were desperate to be parents. God was gracious and He delivered an angel into our waiting arms! The wait was worth it, the all day sickness for way more than the first 3 months was worth it. I was a mommy! Makenna was the one who taught us how to parent, and how NOT to parent! She has a will that is stronger than everyone in the house combined. (Well my mother and mark might say besides her mothers! ;) ) She is firstborn and the big sister of 3 siblings. She is a little mother that is for sure. She has a passion for animals and for art. She is constantly making cards telling me I am the best mother in the world. These are usually followed by the I am the worst mother tantrum! She is super shy, yet very devoted to those who are close to her. She is our daredevil who is not afraid to try anything new. Unless it involves talking to somone she does not know! She and I are so much alike, that it often leads to conflict! But I am so thankful that she is mine.
We celebrated Makenna's 9th birthday w/ dinner at the Old Spaghetti factory, her favorite, along w/ 2 of her close friends. Giggly girls that is for sure! They made makenna stand up after dinner and brought out a cake having the guests around us sing happy birthday. I am pretty sure she wanted to crawl under the table! After dinner the girls talked us into a carriage ride, which Sage was not so sure about on those old cobblestone streets! The girls stayed up late decorating cookies and giggling the night away. Saturday Makenna woke up w/ a fever, I suppose her little brother passed that on to her. So Sunday, the actual day of her birthday she was bummed. She had been very excited to spend her birthday at church. Hopefully all will be well by her & Malaines family party next Saturday.