Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Only God

 As you know a baby Angel has captured my heart, and often lately, my blog or my Facebook!  Once again God has taught me a lesson through one of His own.

I saw Angel  on one of the advocate sights in early March.  There are many blogs that now post children who are waiting, which I will be doing more of.  I contacted the agency for her file, but it was on hold.  I was ok with that, thrilled actually,  she most likely had a family! And honestly, we were not REALLY looking.  I often look through files, just in case.  I consider it a privilege to pray for these kids who wait.  Some tug on my heart harder than others and make me go to my knees to just "make sure" they are not mine. 

It is obvious my heart has been restless.  I have been praying, pondering, wondering, what it is exactly the Lord wants of me.  Adoption, again?  Moving?  Advocating?  Ministry?   I have been searching and questioning. 

On March 15th, the agency emailed saying that Angels file was available again.  Of course I felt it was a sign and took it.  I read every inch of it.  I started to email and research as much as possible.  I would think, she is MINE, THIS is why I have been restless.  Then I would get a doubt in my heart.  But HOW could I doubt that she was not mine, she needs a mommy!  So I would look for ways to calm the doubt.  Of course there is no bigger way to calm my doubts than to lay out an adoption file to my husband.

Have you heard, his middle name is doubt!

But, even Mr Doubter himself became wrapped up in this little pixie.  He agreed to pray.

And he meant it.  Because sometimes he agrees with me just to make me shut up, I know. 

We talked about the what ifs of her special need.  The fact that we do not have the money, nor has our house sold.  The struggles of what we went through, and still go through with certain little angels in our house.   We talked to our kids about adding another girl.  We talked and we talked.

I was so confused.  With both of our adoptions, I had a very VERY clear yes.  I had no doubt that the Lord spoke to me and told me both times to push.  This time, I was not getting it.  I WANTED to hear it, and continued to feel that it was simply my fear this time.   But while I was not necessarily getting a clear yes, I was not getting a clear no either.  Which is exactly what Mark was feeling.

And so if it is not a no, does that mean it is a yes? 

 On Friday of last week I told Mark, we had to make a decision.  Either we move forward in faith, OR we say no, and I get over it.  I was tired of wondering, and if she was ours, I wanted to jump in and get her home.   It was not a matter of being worried her file would be locked.  Because I believe that if the Lord wanted me to adopt her, ANY child, He will work that out.  There was no need to rush.

In fact, let me get off on a "rant" here. This waiting child thing, it is not a game of who can lock a file first, as it sometimes seems to be.   These are children, it is NOT a game.  I read some very ugly comments from people on boards about how they can't stand it that agencies lock files or that you can't switch agencies, and that certain agencies get "better" special needs kids.  To be honest, it makes me sick.  Here is my take on it.  God already knows if we have another child.  And He knows who that child is!! He WILL lead me to them!  I don't have to rush to make decisions for fear of "losing out".  I don't have to worry that someone else will get my child.  My God is so big, and only He could orchestrate the plans to bring a child into families.   This is why I take this looking SO seriously.  I believe that if He leads me to MY child, and I say no, I will have to answer Him for it.   Anyways...

Where was I?  Oh yes, the weekend.   I wanted to make a decision by Monday morning.  I spent the weekend in prayer. I was reminded of Gideon in the bible and how he asked for a sign with his fleece. I begged for a BIG sign, in neon colors please.  Sunday night, I asked and Mark said he felt it was no.  I, promised him I was going to submit this time.  I am pretty sure he rolled his eyes at this point.  I told him I would trust that the Lord would speak to him.  And if it was no, it was no. 

 Monday, I spent the time in the Word and in prayer, begging for peace and that neon sign. 

 Tuesday a friend sent an email saying she saw Angel had a family. 

 I cried.  Partly out of relief but also out of a whole lot of sadness for me. ( And partly because I had to admit to Mark that he was RIGHT! )

 When I told him you could just see the relief lift off his shoulders. 

I asked the Lord to please,  give me peace and PLEASE let her family be believers. 

About an hour after that prayer, I saw Angels mama post her blog.  And the address said Pure Religion.   Hmmm..

I read the blog and just burst into tears. 

I called Mark in to read it, and he burst into tears.

The Lord gave me my "fleece" alright.  The sign was glowing in neon colors of every shade!  This little Angel is going to be so loved and adored.  She is going to be living in a town that is near and dear to us as we lived there while Makenna was a baby.

Only God!

And yes, I know the question now is, so does this mean we are adopting again?

I have NO IDEA!!

Right now my focus is on the Orphan Summit and the trip in June to China.  I KNOW that is what God wants me to put my heart and soul into.   I will continue to advocate for kids, but I will not be taking any more files.  ;-)

Only God knows what our future holds, and right now, that is just fine with me! 

Isaiah 25:1
O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.

1 comment:

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