Saturday, November 02, 2013

Thinking of a brown eyed boy...

I am now officially behind on Makenna, Malaine and Mavery’s birthday posts. I will catch up.

But today I am thinking of a boy.

A boy who is never far from my thoughts.

What will we name him? Where will he sleep? When will we go? Will he be happy to see me? Will he be disappointed when he finds out I am sometimes crabby and get tired and not always as patient as I am with the kids there? Will he go to school? Will he like Chick Filet? Is he going to think our house is crazy? Is he going to give me a hard time about taking showers? (well of course he is, after all he IS a boy!!!)

On and on the questions roll through my mind.

Never doubt, and never fear. When God spoke him into my heart, He breathed a peace into me that erased any worries I had.

But there will always be questions. I am his mother. My kids accuse me all the time of asking to many questions of them.

I just want answers, and they don’t always like that.

With this boy of mine, there are SO many questions and I am not going to get answers. No matter how much I get him to talk.

What did he look like when he was a baby?

What did he look like as a toddler or even as a 5 year old?

I wrestle with that. The earliest picture I will have of my son is at 7 years old.

Today I read an article of a mom sharing some of what her adopted children shared about their past.  It was gut wrenching. What our children survive through, we can’t even fathom.

And as I read, I was reminded of WHY I knew we had to return for him. I have seen firsthand how those kids treat each other.

Survival of the fittest.

Is my son one of the “fittest”?

He is attending school outside the orphanage. This is good! But…

Charlie talked of how when he attended the “normal” school the kids made fun of him.

So, is school good or bad for my son?

Is the orphanage all day better?

It is a HARD place to go to, the unanswered questions can lead to fear.

Not fear of him but certainly fear FOR him. I will admit to that.

So in those moments of fear that want to take hold and paralyze my mama heart that is crying for my son to just be tucked safely in my wings, God whispers.

He is MY son first. I have held him for 8 years of his life. I have led you on a road to meet him, fall in love and now I have matched you together. TRUST ME.

What else can we do?

I trust in the one who has changed a husbands heart time and time again to saying yes we need more children.

I trust in the one who has allowed me to be a part of life inside this orphanage. 

I trust in the one who holds my son closer than I can.

This week we are in Orlando, The Happiest Place on Earth!

We have had this trip planned for well over a year, long before adoption plans. Or knowing when we would get Mavery's service dog! 

This summer we debated going, but felt it was important to have this family time before our lives change again.

Now going KNOWING who our child is, makes things a bit different. We want him going too!

But I will enjoy this time with my 5. Thankful to be able to have this week.

 **If you will, pray that we get our LOA (letter of approval) quickly! The faster it comes, the faster we go!  


Emily said...

What a precious and heartfelt post, Shannon. I cannot wait to see your precious SON in your arms.

And yes, the big question~ Will he like CFA!!!!!!!!!

Praying for speedy LOA.


Emily said...

Oh, and hope you had fun at Disney!!!!!