I think it was the first post where I admitted the stress we were living in. Not just a we have alot of kids and homeschool and now have added a new child with heart issues and an insane life stress, but a deep. we are in the pit stress. That look we saw in her referral picture of sadness?
And the screaming you might almost be able to imagine in this picture? Think loud, piercing..
It lasted a really REALLY long time.
On top of heart caths and hospital stays and well, you get the picture.
As I took Mavery in last week for her heart check up, God really spoke to me in that visit. I sat and I watched her, and I was full of tears. He reminded me of those first
5 10 visits where it took 2 of us to hold her down. The visits where I left the office crying from 1. the shock of news. 2. The stress of a screaming, kicking, thrashing toddler I had just held down for 3 hours. He allowed me to look at Mavery with His eyes and the Big Picture He had been able to see over the last few years.
And as He whispered these reminders to me, I started to feel the guilt seep in. Feelings of failure as a mother, that I was that upset, that frustrated, that impatient with her so many times. Knowing all she had been through, I should have handled it all better. That mommy guilt, it can eat you alive.
And so regardless of those days when I feel I failed, I look at Mavery now. I see her climb up on a doctors table and lay there with out me holding her down.
I see her smile and laugh. Our girl has a sense of humor that has just blossomed. She LOVES to trick and make jokes. And we have found that laughter really IS the best medicine. Sometimes, when the fits threaten to creep in, on both our parts!, we make a joke and we are all laughing! Her smile, that we rarely saw at first, never leaves her now. You can see the difference. She now smiles with her eyes, not just her mouth. And it comes from deep in her heart.
At the writing of the post, back almost 2 years ago, I said maybe love is not enough. But now I know. It is, it really is! Because LOVE is what brought Mavery home. It is what carried us through. It is what holds our family together. No, it was not enough to heal her as quickly as we wanted. But it DID heal her, in Gods timing. He allowed us to love a child before we knew her. He allowed us to love her, when we were struggling. He breathed love into her heart which led to trusting us, believing us, attaching to us. She is love.
We love because He first Loved us.
1 John 4:19