Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sometimes life is just not fair

Last night we got a call that my cousins wife was being taken to the hospital with cramping and bleeding. She is 13 weeks pregnant. They did an ultrasound and were not able to find the babys heartbeat, and the baby measured at only 9 weeks. So now tomorrow she goes in for a D & C.
My heart hurts. It aches for Amy, who is also one of my very dearest friends. God did not give me a sister to grow up with, but He has blessed me with Amy, whom I love as I imagine I would love a sister.
We had plans. We joke all the time that TJ & Amy just copy off of us. Waited about the same amount of time after being married to have children. Had their 2nd child the same amount apart as my 1st and 2nd child. I was adopting Sage, she was pregnant with Adley. Sage came home, right before Adley was born. We had Sage and Adley dedicated at church together last year, we celebrated afterwards and it was so sweet, we knew they were going to be the best of friends, just like Jaylyn and Malaine. And while we wait for Mavery, she becomes pregnant, and we talked about how amazing that was, her new baby would come soon after Mavery came home. We could once again have our children dedicated together.
This was not part of the plan.
We did not write this into our story.
And I do not think it is fair.
So many feelings that I am reminded of from when we lost our first baby in pregnancy. Why is it babies are born to those who don't want them, but those who DO want them, lose them? Why are there so many abortions, why are babies being born to women, who change themselves into men. Why, why, why? We just wanted THIS baby.
But God, He reminds me, He is the author of everything. He knew we would only get to love this little baby, for just a short time. That we would never even know if it really was a boy, as we all predicted. Not right now anyways. Someday, we will know. (Though I am in agreement with Jaylyn, a little boy baby!) I know that little baby is in Jesus arms, just perfect, and someday, Amy will hold him and kiss him and be home together forever.
God asks me, Do you love me when it hurts? Or only in good.
Do you trust me when things do not go as you want?
Do you believe that I have a plan, bigger than your plans?
And so I trust Him, I love Him and I believe His plans. I am on my knees for my sweet friend & my cousin TJ, that God would give them peace as she goes in to surgery tomorrow. That He would heal their hearts and hold them close. That He would help all of us to know how to love them during this time.
Please say a prayer for them if you would.


Waiting for Mia Hope! said...

I'm so sorry! I know this is a loss for all especially the mother. My last miscarriage was at 13 weeks...just when you think you've made it past the first trimester. Its hard..and its not fair. I felt I was carrying a girl and the test results confirmed that it was. So you may still find out if it was a boy. Its so hard to understand at times why things happen the way that they do...but it is thru these trials and tribulations that we come to trust our Heavenly Father for He has a plan. Without my miscarriage I most likely would not have traveled the road the China....its all in His plan...a painful one. Love to you and your family!

Stephanie said...

Praying. And hurting with you and Amy. Please hug her for me.

Mom to my China Posse said...

Praying for Amy, Kathy

Sarah said...

Oh this is so hard to read. I peek in on your blog often, and this breaks my heart. I will certainly be praying. I am 8 weeks pregnant and can not imagine. Please send my love. -Sarah Leonard (Mrs. Leonard from Victory)

PS Can't wait to read that you are on your way to get Mavery.

Nana said...

My heart is aching and I'm not sure it will every stop but I am putting my faith and hope in MY SAVIOR! It is very difficult to understand why this happened and you are so right - I very much loved this grandbaby but I know I will see him again someday! Thanks for all the kind words and for being such a great cousin and friend to TJ and Amy - I know they appreciate it. We have a great family!

Jana said...

Keeping you and Amy in my prayers. I know the emptiness she feels and I pray that she finds comfort in the love of her family and friends.

Finally a Family of Four said...

This post really made me emotional!! it just brought back a flood of memories and unanswered questions!!
I remember after my second misscarriage pacing like an animal in my bedroom yelling out loud to God and asking, WHY WHY WHY.
I still don't know why but i have found Peace, mainly because Gods plan is so awesome .